By Angelica Bottaro
Zoe Stewart was a beautiful, young girl when her innocence was stolen from her.
Someone she thought she could trust, her stepfather, sexually assaulted Zoe from the time she was only nine years old up until she was a young woman at the age of 15.
“It started with a lot of touching and taking my clothes off. He would always watch me in my bedroom and in the bathroom. He would chase me around the house and pin me down, so I would try to run and hide,” she said.
At such a young age Zoe had been scared enough to hide in her own home. She had been confused as to why her own stepfather would attack her and force her to do such things.
“When I was around nine, 10, and 11, I didn’t really understand it at all, but then as I got to around 14 or 15 I knew that this wasn’t right and I would begin to fight back. But in the beginning, I didn’t fight back,” she said.
Often when sexual assaults happen to girls at a young age, it is kept hidden in secrecy from those around them. Many women, of all ages, who are victims of these assaults, are just as scared to tell someone as they are of their assailant. Rekha John, a social worker at Women’s College Hospital’s sexual assault and domestic violence care centre sees this fright every day.
“There’s often a real risk to sharing with family and friends because often times women are judged or blamed. Sometimes they don’t even believe them, or they wonder ‘well what are you doing?’,” John said.
Stewart didn’t tell a soul about what was happening to her for years after it began, and even then help was far behind.
“In one incident, I screamed but not trying to and my mom came up asking what was going on. I tried to explain to her but I didn’t tell her anything about the touching that was going on. I just said he was looking in my window, and she didn’t believe me,” Stewart said.
It was years that these attacks went on for Zoe, and during those years she was tight lipped about the incident almost all the way through. It wasn’t until she was beginning to grow into a young woman that her secret couldn’t stay hidden any longer.
“When I got to the age of 15, I had a boyfriend at the time and he was the first person I had told. He was around 17 or 18 and we used to talk about all kinds of things, and I told him about it and he basically pushed me to tell other people because at the time my mom still didn’t really know,” Stewart said.
The man her mother loved had been hurting Zoe year after year, and without meaning to she had told her mother, but what Zoe hadn’t known is that her mother was aware of some of the funny business that was already going on.
“Somehow, I just remember me and my mom going Christmas shopping and somehow it just all came out. It was the worst thing of my life having to tell my mom this because this was the man that she re-married and loved and this was going to ruin our family. Previously, my mom actually caught my stepfather looking into my window and she ended up confronting him and saying don’t ever do this again. The fact that she witnessed it and still didn’t really stop it makes me hold a lot of resentment towards my mom. She tried to make the relationship work. She tried taking all of us to counseling together to make things work; to try and move past it,” Stewart said.
Many women in the same kind of situation as Zoe’s mother, dealing with domestic sexual assaults feel they have to endure what’s going on, for the family. Some women stay for financial reasons, others for reasons such as family, or guilt.
“There are so many reasons that complicate women being able to leave these situations. Financial, safety, or wanting their children to have a father in their life; there can even be pressures from their family or their community,” John said.
Whatever the reasons her mother had to stay in the relationship that was hurting Zoe so much are her own, but the scars that were left on Zoe’s psych are irrevocable and something she must live with for the rest of her life. Her confidence had been shattered, relationships with men from then on out had been negatively affected, and even her trust in her family had been ruined.
“I have huge trust issues. All growing up I pretty much allowed every boyfriend I had take advantage of me and use me for either money, or because I drove and I would drive them places. Even sexually I would let them use me even though they didn’t love me and would never commit to me. I just felt like that was the way it was supposed to be. I’ve always tried to act more bubbly than I felt to hide what had happened to me,” Stewart said.
Among her low self-worth, women everywhere that are victimized by similar incidents have their worlds shattered. It’s something that a woman, no matter how strong she is, must deal with every day after the attack. John speaks with women everyday who have gone through similar circumstances, and there is no clear way of getting over it.
“We talk about the concept of getting over it with clients but its more of a working through and a finding your way through the impacts. There’s no set time. It could be weeks, months, or even years; everyone has his or her own process and pace. If they’re supported by family and friends, have financial support and if they don’t have further types of victimization, but the process is really impacted by their own personal circumstances,” John said.
Certain situations can lead a person to make decisions they wouldn’t have otherwise decided on. In Zoe’s case, not only did what happened affect her relationships with men, but it also affected her relationship with herself, and led her to drug abuse as a teen.
“I’ve had a lot of problems with drugs and alcohol because of this; not caring about myself and basically doing drugs to the point where I almost killed myself. I had no self worth. I was addicted to cocaine and ended up having to go through everything that ties to being addicted to a drug like that because I didn’t care about myself. I had given up, and that was a big thing I had to overcome. I had to get clean from drugs and that was a really tough time for me. I feel I had only done that because of what happened, if I had grown up with a normal life I don’t think I would have gotten into all of that,” Stewart said.
Despite the drug use, and her lack of self worth, there is progression for the life of those that are affected by something like this. It can’t be gotten over, but it can be dealt with.
“I think there will be aspects throughout my entire life that there will be little quirks about me that will just sort of be stuck there. The more I grow and move past and accept what happened it’s gotten better. Knowing not to be afraid all the time, knowing to have more faith and strength is something I had to learn. I started going to church and that has really helped me get past some things because having faith in something and having someone to be able to gain trust back in life and the world. I think there will always be things that might be a little off,” Stewart said.
Many things can be done to help women that have had their lives severely impacted by domestic and sexual abuse. John, an expert on the subject matter, sees the lives of the women, though severely impacted, can be positively better as long as help is available.
“We go into it with a sense of believing them and acknowledging that what they experience wasn’t deserved and in no way are they to blame. We really explore and try to normalize whatever impact they’re experiencing. We help them to reconnect to their values and their sense of self and all of those things that they hold dear,” John said.
Among normalization, the way women are told this is not their fault, and the reconnection to the woman they used to be before the attacks, the issues they face on a day to day basis is something that cannot be forgotten. The problems that have accumulated for Zoe are that of which you only hear about when hearing stories of something devastating happening to someone.
“I have post traumatic stress disorder now, so some things really affect me still to this day. Things will bring up my memories. For example, I have problems with windows now. I always have to make sure the blinds are shut, bathroom and showers I have issues with. I have to make sure the doors are all locked. I also have anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I’ve been on anxiety medication since I was 17 for it. I went through a time where I was having panic attacks left, right, and centre and couldn’t go out in public,” said Stewart. “I’ve also put on weight, because when I was younger and it was happening I used to eat and eat, intentionally trying to put on weight so that he would find me unattractive. Now, because of that, I have no control over food and I think I have an addiction because of it.”
Zoe Stewart faces a battle with herself everyday because of what happened to her. She now has to deal with consequences that were undeserving, and not her fault. Although her experience is something that can never be forgotten, it’s something that she can always move forward from, as well as those who have or are experiencing the same thing.
“You definitely need to find someone you can trust and if you can’t there are a lot of resources out there especially for females, such as help lines, and crisis centers. It’s hard when you’re in the situation to reach out for help but after you’ve come out to a couple people it’s easier to find more help. It’s really good to talk about it, the more that I talk about it the better it seems. It just makes you more okay with what has happened. It makes you more comfortable with telling people about it, and accepting it. You can never really hold it against someone. Yes, people make mistakes but you can never hate someone for what they’ve done. You have to forgive or you’re never going to be able to get past it. I find that, to forgive and accept what’s happened can help you move forward,” Stewart said.
For the full interview with Rekha John, listen here:
ERA Toronto 